So initially I wrote this post and it was magical... perfect and balanced. I saved it to my iPad and when I connected to the wifi to upload it... *poof* gone! Then it told me my blog didn't even exist anymore.. Wait... what!?! My heart literally broke into a million tiny pieces... oh well round two I guess!
...Where were we... oh yes... De ja Demartini...
Over the past 2 months since I have been back in South Africa, I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life. Where have I been and where am I going... I have also been reading a book called 'The Breakthrough Experience' by Dr JF Demartini. It is quite a mind explosive book for me in some ways. It really makes you look at yourself and your life and try to understand the balance of your life.
A really hard concept to read that he wrote about was that everything that happens to us, we have done to other people in one form or another. Wait... No ways! I couldn't possibly have done some of the things that people have done that hurt me. Why would I ever want to do that to another person when I know how much that hurts??
I have been doing a really big clean out and have found some insanely old stuff that I didn't even know I had anymore. During this time I have remembered friends I had or 'lost' along the way. I felt very sad like losing them all over again. Why did they leave? I never got a reason. They just up and left or cut me out. I couldn't understand what I did wrong and found myself wishing I knew then what I know now and maybe... just maybe I could have been a better friend. I know I was doing the best I could at that point in my life with the knowledge and experience I had up until that point.
Even now I was feeling a little rejected by by friends I have some distance with. Like some of them forgot me the moment I said goodbye to come back to South Africa and that was the end of it. But that is just it... I was feeling it... It does not mean it was real. It was just my reality.
Then two really big things happened for me in one day which was like a light being switched on. First thing, that morning I drew my inspirational card for the day and it spoke about balance versus depedancy/obsession. Interesting point I see.. I was not entirely sure how this was relevant. I mean when I make a decision or love someone, I'm all in. There is no in between for me. Love with conditions is just not worth it and neither is committing to a decision with a half a heart whether it be for a project or a friendship.
The second thing was I found my diary from when I was in Std 6... A trip into my own mind when I was 14. Let me tell you that was one of the most enlightening reads I have had in a long time. There were special moments that I had long since forgotten about, memories with friends that have since past away and I see how I literally might have driven my parents a little bit crazy. These are times I can never get back. Some decisions that literally made me cringe rereading it! There was also a statement from an unlikely person about how I should just be myself and not worry about fitting in or being like the other girls. Be the gem and not dull my shine for anyone. (I wish I understood what they meant then, it would have saved me a lot of heartache)
I could see the ones who were good to me and I didn't even know it or see it and on the flip side, I saw those who were really bad for me and didn't deserve my loyalty even a little bit.
I saw patterns and lessons that I carried well into my twenties, that I can finally say I have put to rest. One of the things is my view of priorities was more like a hierarchy that a balanced equilibrium.
2. Family / Friends
3. Career / Doing what you love and makes you happy
It is sad that is has taken me this long but a relief at the same time to see my perceptions have shifted, especially over the past 5 years. It feels like I have done so much soul work.
but when you look back everything has changed.
I have accepted that I am not everyone's cup of tea and it's okay that not everyone is mine. I don't need to make everyone else happy. If I am happy from the inside, it will shine through. Looking back at some photos I cringe as I can literally see the sadness in my own face and eyes. I don't even think I look like the same person sometimes!
I have learnt to just be me and that it's okay. As simple as that sounds. I don't do things that I wouldn't done to me and just because people are not giving the same level of friendship that I give sometimes, doesn't mean that they are not giving all they have got too.
When I am really honest with myself I can see that I have walked away from some friendships without a reason just like some people have walked away from me. There was no rhyme or reason other than maybe I got caught up in my own life and trying to solve my own problems. I have broken some hearts the same way mine has been broken as well. I gave loyalty to those who did not deserve it and I took for granted those who's did deserve my attention and I took it for granted. I want to go back and say sorry but after reading some more of 'De Ja Demartini' I should thank them for the experience instead. Saying sorry to a degree attracts the same situations into your life. So thank you for the lessons of love and friendship. And there in lies the balance.
It's hard to admit our own mistakes but when we own them and acknowledge them, no one can hold them against us.
I no longer have a hierarchy of priorities but a balanced perspective and each category has their own quadrant. I am not waiting for my soul mate to complete me as I am complete all on my own, rather I am waiting for them to join me and we can grow together on a new path together.
I promise to be the best version of myself not just for me but for the world. Sometimes you might just be someone's candle in the dark.
Love and Light